What we ultimately want…


After waiting a long, hard 5 years of dating and breakups, and waiting for him to get over the end of his marriage to Jessica Simpson, Vanessa Mannillo is now married to Nick Lachey.  What’s the first thing out of her mouth?  Not “we’re so in love” or “we couldn’t be happier”, but…

“This is just a stepping stone to what we ultimately want…to have a family together.” Says Mannillo.

I am your host, DT, and my responses from here forward are always written in blue.

DT:  You mean what the WOMAN wants.  From the moment she pops out the first kid, most husbands don’t even show on the woman’s radar after children, much less putting her husband as her equal or 1st on her list.

So…if that’s the case, why do so many women care if the man is faithful?  Just use him as a sperm donor and call the situation for what it is. 

As for child bearing, why can’t we approach the man with the same proposition about child bearing as an infertile woman approaches a surrogate?  It’s a business transaction, plain and simple.  Pay the guy if you have to (just like a surrogate), discuss up front whether or not he gets/wants visitation rights, and leave all the emotional wrangling and bs behind. 

Mannillo’s statement caught my attention because, like I have been saying for years, it is pure fact that (most) women are biologically compelled to fulfill this childbearing duty.  I have zero issue with their filling that duty…what I have issue with is:

  1. That they usually treat their men like dirt and not like the king of the castle after kids.
  2. And that they get so caught up in the degree of their guy’s ‘faithful-ness’.

Why not let’s just call each sex’s behavior as it is?

  1. She wants kids.
  2. He wants to spread his seed far and wide.

Why do we continue to think otherwise??  It’s not natural for a guy to be faithful.  It takes a concerted effort, each and every day.  It’s not natural for the woman to put her man first.  It takes a concerted effort, each and every day.

The reason I am further miffed about this issue is there is a brand new survey that announces that a woman’s displeasure regarding her man’s faithfulness has actually gone up in the last twenty years.  Haven’t we evolved in the last twenty years?  Haven’t we learned a single, darn thing about human behavior?  Apparently not.

The researchers attribute women’s outrage to the bombardment of reality tv shows that harp non-stop on whether or not their guy is cheating, and if there is any shred of evidence (or heck, a ‘woman’s hunch’ will even do) in that direction, they blow it up bigger than all the dynamite used in a Michael Bay movie.  They also cite texting and social media in fueling the fire as any shady actions are very easily traceable today.  The vice is so strong that even if the guy had zero intentions of straying, he may now think twice ‘cuz he’s gonna get his member chopped off and thrown down the garbage disposer anyway…might as well have some fun along the way.

The same research study says that 75% of gay men in a committed, long term relationship make an open relationship work.  I’m not sure I like that high of a number but at least gay guys are realistic about their expectations with their mate.

I think our girls need to back down from their unreasonable stance and shift their focus to designer shoes or world peace and get off the ‘all-men-are-dogs’ syndrome.  Maybe they should talk to some French women.  The French have always understood that he may need a mistress every now and again.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her or is gonna abandon the kids.

I have often been very non-plussed with such issues.  I guess I just have an unsaid expectation that my guy will be honorable and not abuse the freedom.  They are usually so shocked that I am not making a big deal about his wanting to hang with the boys (or whatever it is) that they value me even more and want me to be proud of them…which I am.

If most women would realize that at the core of his being he wants nothing more than to make his woman happy, we’d all be a lot saner.  If you text him 22 times a night or harass him mercilessly, he’s gonna retaliate.  Make sense, ya?  Yes, it may be hard to do at first, but like with anything, it just takes a little practice.  Sprinkling in a little praise at the end doesn’t hurt, either.  “Hey honey…how was your outing with the guys (let it be a rhetorical question and don’t wait for an answer much less a minute-by-minute recount)?  Hurry and come home ‘cuz wifey misses you VERY MUCH and I’m gonna show you just how much…”  He will think he died and went to heaven.  What normal guy WOULDN’T wanna come home to a wife who 1) gives him some space AND 2) wants him??

I know it’s hard for women to get this concept as women naturally want to bond and connect.  Unlike us, men are wanderers.  Give a man his space and it will serve you.  Heck, one time, I even gave my man permission to go elsewhere.  I told him since he was honest enough to tell me ahead of time, I was ok with it.  (Btw, I never would have been ok with this after the fact as I don’t believe in cheating.)  He was so shocked that I was so open-minded about it that he forgot all about it and never followed through.  He said my stance made him realize just how special I was and that he would never wanna do anything to jeopardize that. 

In summary, you make your own reality.  If you think he’s a dog, he will be one.  If you think you have a good guy, you will have one.  Turn off the tv and listen to your own voice.  I know you heard it, you just turned off the wrong ‘set’.  Keep listening with intent, until you cannot NOT listen to your own inner voice.  That’s when you will get more of what you want and steer clear of things that don’t serve you.

May it be so.

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11 thoughts on “What we ultimately want…

  1. Well hi there, good to see you back blogging again. I wont say too much here, because you know me well enough to know my stance on almost everything. I will say that the part of making a guy feel wanted is just as important to guys as gals. Another thing to think about if women are worried about there men cheating, is if they dont get it at home, they will get it elsewhere. Now granted some guys will play no matter what, but i do believe most wont if there happy at home.

    • love having you here.

      i think there are many elements of “if theyre happy at home”. i think it goes beyond sex. if they are happy with the sex, but are unhappy with his woman in other ways, i think thats not gonna keep them strong and bonded.

      i think if we pay attention to the 2 or 3 little things that make the person happy, there is a good chance the big stuff takes care of itself.

  2. I never come on myspace anymore, but I got an alert in my e-mail that you had a new blog. It’s really good. The summary is the best part though. You make your own reality, if you think he’s a dog, he’s a dog. The last girl I went on a date with accused me of being a guy who just wanted to have fun because I didn’t bring up commitment on the first date and that’s what she wanted. I was totally down to date just her. The next girl I went out with was more laid back, less judgmental, and me and her have been talking ever since. Learning from the last girl I at least made it clear on the first date, that I’m down with things turning into a relationship eventually. It already feels like a nice comfortable relationship. She’s away for a month visiting her parents, and always make an effort to see how she’s doing.

    Futhermore on the first date, I had very little money on me, but I really wanted to take her out before she left for a month. So I let her know, and she was like “That’s fine, we can have a beer and just share an appetizer!” When she said that, I was like “this is the kind of unselfish woman you want to give the world too” I mean all I can think about is what I can do for her and how I can help support her, when she gets back. This reiterates your point that it’s our core being want to make sure our woman is happy or make sure she’s taken care of.

    • dear Rash, thanks for finding me here. much appreciated.

      “This reiterates your point that it’s our core being want to make sure our woman is happy or make sure she’s taken care of.”

      i know this to be true. if women would just chill and realize this, we’d all be a lot happier. when women force the relationship issue on the first date or are constantly harrassing the guy for his possible cheating/straying…i just dont see what good comes of any of that kind of thinking.

      best of luck with the new girl. she seems like a keeper. keep me posted.

  3. I need to add a bit to this…. “if you think he’s a dog, he’s a dog” its not that easy. how about this instead…. “if you think he’s a dog, he’s a dog (in her eyes). ive had people think im the biggest ass around, when in reality it was just that persons way of looking at a few things, not the whole picture. That came about because i wouldnt cater to her every waking moment.. Like everything, there are always two sides, and different perceptions, and just because someone says it, dosent make it so…lol

    • “i wouldnt cater to her every waking moment..”

      catering because you want to or because you are inspired = a good thing.

      catering because she is demanding or asking you = not so good, and good of you to stand your ground. we respect you more that way (even though we may say otherwise!).

  4. Monogamy and fidelity, not necassarily the same thing.
    Men by nature (DNA) arre not designed to monogamous, womenn are designed to be nesters.
    My rule of thumb is to observe the over all character of the individuals involved and then decide how the relationship shall progress.
    BUT, I do know that if one side harps on “cheating” whether founded or unfounded, the relationship is on the skids. A lot of work will be required, on both sides to salvage the partnership.
    So, ultimately, I agree with you DT, each person must “to thine own self be true” and follow their beliefs and not what others try to dictate to them.

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