Age 25 and the Male Brain.

Don’t get married until you’re 25 years old.

Why? Because your brain is not fully developed until that age.

Why do you think that they send men off to war when they are 19?  Because you don’t know any better about war and dying, you are gullible, and the armed services can still mold your brain into following orders.  So, just like being a young soldier, you shouldn’t marry young for the same reason.  You’re not playing with a full deck.  Okay, I know that may sound mean, but the facts support me here.

Animal drives are based on biology, chemicals (hormones), instinct, synaptic firings (electrical, meaning nerve reactions), and reflex (autonomic, otherwise called your involuntary nervous system).

Human drives are related to your developed cognitive abilities.  These go beyond reactionary measures and speak to how the person utilizes executive brain abilities.  These executive abilities include using:

  • Insight
  • Anticipation
  • Intent, not Reactionary
  • Problem solving
  • Decision making
  • Deduction
  • Logic
  • Reasoning
  • Sequencing
  • Delayed gratification
  • Ability to delay a reaction
  • Compartmentalization (the ability to defer an action until later)
  • Analysis (the ability to figure out an outcome based on what you currently know, what is known about past occurrences, and the ability to predict a future outcome (an educated guess).

At age 25, your brain is matured and has full cognitive ability.  Whether you choose to use that ability, that’s another story but at least you have it upstairs.

Sure, young love is exciting.  It’s entirely fun to be free-spirited.  That being said, marriage is an undertaking that presumes maturity for it to work long-term.  Yes, there are exceptions to the rule and some people mature faster than others.  For the rest of you, it is wise to let your brain mature fully to better your odds of a lasting marriage.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, if you wait until after the age of 25 to get married, your chances of staying married more than double!  The old “50 percent of marriages end in divorce” statistic is literally cut in half (to 25%) if you just wait a while longer to take the plunge.

If you choose to disregard this notice, then please pay close attention to the other sections in my ‘Marrying Men’ Chapter of my book.

Pre-Order my upcoming book, available Mid-December, 2012. See offers for YOU, my Special readers, here:  Autographed copy, Bonus book, and enter a Contest for prize.

3 months to upgrade to gf status

I know some guys seem to fall in love very quickly and fall hard, but I am here to tell you to resist the urge to do so.

The reason why this happens is because men have a very short list (probably TOO short) of qualities they seek in a woman – especially compared to the endless list of qualities that women have.

Basically, men need to have a woman look good and not be psychotic. If so, men are pretty much good to go. Also, men are way more easy-going than women – at least in the first few months of dating. This is the period of time when men will overlook the most obvious personality flaws as they think they already found “the woman of their dreams”. At this point in the “relationship”, they don’t let anything bother them with their partner and are expert at letting go of the things that do bother them. In the early stages of dating, men just want to have fun, and aren’t thinking about decisions that will affect them over the long-term.

I’m not sure this is a healthy stance to take. I also don’t think the position that women take is all that wonderful either. I think both genders need to come more toward the middle. Women need to lighten up on their incessant demands on men and men need to become more discerning.

In general, men are very good judges of character, especially compared to women. Women will frequently go through years and years of choosing one rotten man after another, thinking that “he’s the one”. Most women choose a man because of how he makes her feel emotionally. The “Bad Boys” are often the ones who get picked because they make her feel some sort of emotion, even though it may be a “bad” emotion. The men who have many good qualities are often overlooked because she doesn’t “feel anything”. She is quick to label him “boring”, and moves on. It is not until she is in her thirties that she learns to assess a man based on his positive qualities rather than “how he makes her feel”.

Men are habitually good judges of character because the biological process of selecting a mate for the continuance of the species falls on men’s shoulders. Since the caveman dragged the first, hot cave-chick back to his den, men have had to shoulder the burden of finding an appropriate mate. Usually, a guy wants to upgrade his status so his offspring will be better off, meaning better looking, more physically able/fit, and better at continuing/excelling in life than he. Of course, what guy doesn’t just want to have fun and have sex with the next available chick? That being said, even at this casual, no-strings level, in the back of his mind, he is always thinking about the possibility that she might get pregnant. Because of that, even for a one-night stand, he will use every effort to have sex with a woman who is at a higher level than he…and at the very least, she has to be on the same level with him.

As such, he is not easily going to have sex (unless trashed or drugged himself) with someone most of the male population says is unfit: butt-ugly, (more than 35 pounds overweight), has a straight, boy-figure, like many female athletes, i.e. no waist, mentally deranged, physically handicapped or impaired, or frequently uses drugs.

       not bad                                      ideal                                not acceptable

Women have no such biological pull. They couldn’t care less what happens to the gene pool in the next generation. It is for that reason that women often go through years, if not decades, of making really stupid mate choices before they get a clue…if they ever do.

So, why am I telling you to wait? Because I want you to be discerning, I want you to be choosy, and most of all, because you need to see if she is CONSISTENT and has CHARACTER. I also want you to get really clear on your “must have” list. What are the deal makers? What are the deal breakers? Are you gonna waffle on them? I realize this takes introspection and some measure of effort, but hey, it’s your life and you have way more at stake than a woman does. Most laws are written in favor of women to protect the kids, and I guess that is fair in theory, but that certainly doesn’t mean you have to rush right into anything. Take your time and evaluate.

Things happen for a reason and there are certain relationship milestones that should never be missed or skipped. Don’t treat this like a TiVO machine. You can’t fast forward through the parts you don’t like. You must relish every minute you have because this minute is all you have. Once it’s gone, you will never get this opportunity again. You have to see her in a variety of different circumstances to really make a complete evaluation of her.

You may think she’s your dream girl, but what if you can’t stand her family? What if her family can’t stand you? What if her travel schedule for her job is way more than you ever anticipated now that “her season” has kicked into gear? What if you learn she cannot have kids and you want to have an armload of kids?

So…make a list (No, I’m not kidding). When a man meets a woman online, he is pressed to consider his deal makers/breakers. If she makes the cut, he will ask her out. Those of you who meet the girl in person, I am asking you to make a similar effort and not just hop in because it feels good (OR you need to get laid). However you meet the girl, I am telling you to slow down and take at least 3 months before you throw caution to the wind and latch on as a bf. Even if you don’t believe me or understand what I’m saying this minute, just wait out these first three months. You can thank me later.

You don’t start to heal until you get that final divorce decree.

I received a letter from a reader who was separated for over ten years but didn’t get the divorce until a few months ago.

Here is my guarantee…all you have to do is NOT read this section and become one of those idiots I always talk about.  The one who thinks that just because you are physically separated from your ex, that that is good enough.  Sure, you didn’t give it much thought before, but you will see that you don’t really start to heal, until you get that final divorce decree.  If you don’t get the final now, when you do get the final, you will be kicked back to square one faster than you can say “let the ink dry”.

From the point I separated from my ex, it took another 18 months, not to mention racking up tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and court costs, to get divorced.  When things are contentious, it will drain your emotions, your bank account, and your soul.  Try to work out as much as you can before your court date.  Keep your eye on the end goal, which is when everything is finalized, then you can start your new life.  Fighting over the small stuff on principle just isn’t worth it in the long run.  Just cut your losses and move on.

In the state of California, there is a minimum wait period of six months after you file a divorce, to be granted a divorce.  If the divorce is completely uncontested, if there are no distribution of assets or debts, and no kids, you might be one of the lucky ones to have it go this smoothly.

The average divorce usually lasts about a year.  If it is really contentious, it can take up to five years.

Of course, you want to try everything in your power to make the marriage work before marching to divorce court.  That way, looking back on it, you will have no regrets.  Make a timeline for yourself and stick to it.  If issues cannot be resolved after xxx months (the length of time you allow depends on the seriousness of the deal breaker), it’s time to move on.

Thanks to being beaten down during my life by my mom, who repeatedly reinforced the ‘you’ll-never-amount-to-anything’ trip, I was pretty much rendered a doormat.  It was largely due to that negative training that I made poor choices in men and in life.  It is only too amazing that I arose from the ashes of all that to blossom into whom I am today.  I only became the true DT after my divorce decree was finalized.

Trust me.  You cannot think straight when you are in the middle of legal battles.  Your life is not your own.  There are too many emotional, financial, and custody issues that arise that you cannot foresee.  You do your best to get through it all.  Sure, some couples get along, but think about it, if you got along that well, you’d still be married.

To my separated readers out there, if you can’t get along on paper, if you can’t get along in court, you must seek resolution through mediation.  Going through the motions in court is not only extremely gut wrenching, but it’s financially draining as well.  Also, I KNOW how private most of you guys are.  Do you have any concept what its like to air your dirty laundry in a public court, where a dozen other couples who are waiting their turn will hear about your mess??

The mediator is often a retired judge who serves the same purpose as a judge.  You are still represented by your respective attorneys.  The petitioning parties, you and your ex, are taken out of the room.  I tried to get my ex to do mediation for months, to no avail.  It was after 3 appearances in front of the judge with no resolution on any of the issues that the judge ordered us to go to mediation.  When we went to mediation, matters got solved with lightning speed (same day).  We were forced to resolve issues that I never thought would get resolved.

I want to thank the countless readers who wrote me to acknowledge that even after years of separation, no healing can begin until the final divorce decree.  Too often, I hear from men who are separated for a mere few months and because they are lonely, bored, horny, or hook up because it was convenient, think that that is as good as divorced.  It’s not.  Nowhere near it.  They have no clue what is in store for them.  Why the mad rush?  Well, when a man divorces, he feels like a huge failure, so there is a jump to find a new relationship right away to validate that he is still a good guy.  Huge, huge mistake.  I think that men should not even begin to think of getting into another relationship until 6 months AFTER the divorce decree. Actually it’s better to wait up to 2 years.  Before that time, I consider him to be a Rebound Guy and part of the walking wounded.  Meaning, if you don’t have any ME time to think about what YOUR part in the failed marriage was and how YOU contributed to its demise, you are destined to repeat the same mistakes again.  You have to heal.  You have to grow, analyze, and learn from your mistakes.  To not do so is relationship suicide.

Another reason why a man will hop back into a relationship too fast is because he was married fa long time, over 10 years, and is looking for a “mother” – someone to cook for him, do his laundry, and clean his house.  He hasn’t had to do these chores in over 10 years and he isn’t about to start now.  To that I say, either learn how to do these things or get a maid.  The emotional or financial strain down the line just isn’t worth yielding to something just because it’s convenient.

So, here is the DT rule:

  1. After the FINAL divorce decree, wait until 6-24 months to get into a serious relationship again.
  2. Make sure you own up to what part YOU      played in the demise of the marriage.       You cannot heal without this step.  I don’t care how much of a witch she      was, it wasn’t all her fault.  It      takes two to tango.  Man up.

Also, there is a new legal maneuver that is called a ‘conditional divorce decree’, where you can legally be divorced but the financial and/or custody issues remain unsettled.  I CANNOT URGE YOU STRONGLY ENOUGH TO NOT DO THIS.  GET A FULL (FINAL) DIVORCE DECREE AT ALL COSTS.  Unless you need a decree to be free to marry someone else (which I also strongly advise against, being that it is so soon after your divorce), I cannot think of one single benefit of a conditional decree.  DO NOT DO THIS!!!!

Btw, you have no power after the fact.  If you choose to get a conditional decree, you will not negotiate the best possible outcome on the remaining issues.  I am not an attorney and you should seek legal counsel on this, but in my view, THERE IS NO REASON TO complete any decree other than a full divorce decree.  Emotionally speaking, if you get a conditional decree, the healing doesn’t start UNTIL you get the final decree.  That right alone is reason to avoid it.

My goal here is to climb into your heart and sit there until YOU decide that it’s the right thing to do.  I hope you hear me.  I hope that even if you don’t agree with my Divorce Decree or Rebound issue position, you will at least consider it.  I know what I’m talking about.  I have been there.

Don’t Walk Her Shoe-Dog.

Call it a rat, call it a girl-dog, call it a yapper, call it what you like.  I happen to call it a shoe-dog.  Why?  Because no dog should be as small as your shoe.

In the animal world, like dogs for example, using peeing to mark their “territory”.  Humans also mark their “territory”.  More notably, it’s used to mark their mate.

It’s not used as much by men marking their women (as men are more inclined to be free spirits and not be tied down), but when they do, men use the following tactics to accomplish that end:

a.     Confidence.  It is their best and most effective trait.  They can stare down another man, without words, to convey “don’t even think about f’ing with me” (over my woman).

b.    Real Estate.  It’s what I call taking up as much real estate as you can.  They outstretch their arms when seated at a booth with their woman…almost to create an “umbrella” around her.    They spread their knees as far apart as they are able.  Heck, depending on the situation, while spreading his legs, if he can let you know his package also means business, he will show that, too.

Man-against-man, it’s your physical presence that will intimidate another man.  Taking up a bigger amount of real estate makes the man appear stronger, manlier, and to his woman, it makes him appear protective, which is what women really like (1st C, Protect and Provide, from my upcoming book).

c.     Getting up in his grill.  Unlike women, men are more about the physical and less about words.  If he needs to stand up, to show you how tall he is, he will.  If he needs to be in your inner space, literally right in your face, he will, as he knows that men prefer to keep a physical distance away from each other.

d.    Getting his inner-Caveman on.  If he needs to grunt, grumble, groan, snort, spit, wipe, flick, cough, click, to get his point across…he will.  He will use whatever sound he can convey to tell you to f off, he will.

Aw, now let’s get to the little lady.  Women use territorial behavior to mark their men quite frequently.  There are two facts that you need to know.

1.     Their tactics are very subtle.

i.              When called out, they will make 100 excuses as to “It’s not what it appears” as they don’t want to appear “controlling”.

ii.             The tactics are so widely used by women, they will make you think that it’s just normal and there is nothing wrong with it.

(The reality is that it is common, but I find there IS something wrong with it…namely, her insecurity.)

iii.            And lastly, they really don’t know what they are doing or think that it has any meaning whatsoever.  They are clueless.

2.     Women are insecure.  While most women would like to remain monogamous, they know that most men don’t.  For that, they have to constantly “test” you to see if you are still worthy of their attention.

Here are the 3 tactics that women use to territorially “mark” their men:

I.      Tampons.  “On your way home, would you stop by the store and buy me some tampons?”  “What’s the big deal?  You’re going anyway/it’s on your way home?”

Your answer, in your mind, should be “hell no”.  It’s permissible to drive her to the store and she can shop for them herself.

·         What does this action mean?  She is announcing to the whole store:  “This is my man.  Back off.”

II.             Purse.  “Will you hold my purse while I go to the rest room/try on room?”

Again, that’s a “no”.  What would she do if you weren’t there, i.e. with her girlfriends?  Girl A NEVER gives her purse to Girl B.  And I mean NEVER.  If she has to lock it in the trunk or lock her knees while she pees, then, so be it.  That’s what she’d do if you weren’t there.

·         What does this action mean?  She is announcing to the whole restaurant/clothing store: “This is my man.  Back off.”

III.    Shoe-dog.  Ah, this one is a new entry.  With the advantage of genetic engineering, they have bred small dogs with small dogs to populate a small-dog gene pool to sell to the ladies.  Although it has always been said that “a dog is a Man’s best friend”, most men prefer man-sized dogs.  No guy in their right mind would buy one of these “shoe-dogs”.  Much like girls prefer to eat a salad or drink low-calorie beer, women prefer small dogs.  They are easier to take care of.

Add to this, I don’t think the dogs are happy, either.  All this genetic altering, I think makes the dog pissed off, often yappy, and annoying, not to mention, the dog is completely inferior (smaller) to the other dogs on the street.  What dog like that wouldn’t be barky?

I also think that until they pop out a kid, she delights in pampering this dog as if it’s her future baby.  She likes primping and shopping for the shoe-dog and dressing it up in play clothes…or even doll clothes.

“Honey, will you take Fluffy for a walk?”  First off, she is saying this because she is lazy and doesn’t want to do it herself.  Secondly, picking up dog poop is beneath her…but she apparently doesn’t think
it’s beneath you
Most importantly, is the following:

·         What does this action mean?  She is announcing to the whole street/neighborhood: “This is my man.  Back off.”

What’s even more bizarre is that since it’s obvious it’s her dog, I practically never see her trading duties.  Don’t you think it would make sense if she at least took her own dog out of the house 50% of the time?  What I see is these “Fluffy-ized” men taking her dog out 100% of the time.  That’s just not right.  If she just got out of surgery or broke her leg, ok, but 100% of the time, in my book, is manipulation.


So, there you have it.  You don’t have to call her out on her behavior as its likely gonna get you nowhere and will probably just start a fight.  That being said, don’t cave into this “women behaving badly” behavior.  You’re forewarned.