Equal Pay for Un-equal Work.

The first wave of feminism began in the 1920’s with women getting the right to vote.

Here we are some 40 years since the second wave of Women’s Lib and women are still crying that they are not getting equal pay. So, how did this notion of Equal Pay get started? The notion of Equal Pay got started when women were liberated from their bodies with the invention of The Pill, which went into widespread use in the early 1970’s.  No longer did women have to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.  Women, suddenly had a choice.  They could choose to delay pregnancy, and instead, could choose to further their education, travel, go into the workforce, or choose to be an entrepreneur.  This freedom led to dollars coming into the household, meaning that they no longer had to be beholden to a man for financial sustenance.

As such, women began to evaluate their situation and decided they no longer had to stay with men they didn’t care for. As a result, it was the highest divorce rate in our history, as these women in the 70’s decided that these men were simply not worth putting up with a minute longer.

Prior to The Pill, men were solely responsible for putting food on the table and a roof over the family’s head. Since these newly-independent women were bringing in money, they no longer needed men, or so they thought… Since these women decided that they no longer needed their men for money, after kicking the men to the curb, they figured while we are at it, why even have men at all?  Men began to become irrelevant and thus started the downward spiral of the de-humanization of men.  Since these moms were bringing home the bacon, they figured they could also raise the children on their own.  This way of thinking was so pervasive that these moms also decided to prevent the men from seeing their children, especially their young sons.  The mothers could then raise men how they deemed fit.  So, they proceeded to raise their young boys, in their mind, with the characteristics of what an ideal man ‘should be’ and since men were deemed irrelevant, they raised their boys without male involvement.
It brings to mind such songs as “Anything You Can Do”, from the movie ‘Annie Get Your Gun’ and “I am Woman”, in 1971 from Helen Reddy, to today’s Katy Perry’s song, “Roar”, released in 2013. Bottom line?  Not only can a woman do whatever a man can do…she can do it better!

This commonly held belief led to women to decide that if she is going to do the same job as a man, then she deserves to be paid equally. Now, women can feasibly sing a song as well as men, but ANY job?  This is the part they didn’t think through…


The second wave of Women’s Lib led to the mantra of getting equal pay. In theory, it’s not a bad premise, ‘Equal Pay for Equal Work’, but there were many flaws in that logic that has prevented its passage four decades later.

If we are comparing exactly the same job, women DO get paid equally (in fact, in some categories, women make more).  Compare a female executive secretary to a male executive secretary, compare a female civil engineer to a male civil engineer, compare a female pediatrician to a male pediatrician…and the math is equal.  But, that is not what women are comparing.  Women compare ALL jobs combined and compared it to all male pay and you get the famous ‘70¢ on the dollar’.

The problem with this logic is that men take riskier jobs (that pay more for that risk); men take jobs that require higher levels of education (which gets compensated better, as it should be); men work longer hours (as women often take off more sick days, go to see the doctor more often, and take the kids to the doctor or to the soccer game), and on and on. These statistics are readily available. Warren Farrell, one of the first self-confessed male feminists who served on the board of NOW, the National Organization of Women, wrote a recent book Why Men Earn More: The Startling Truth Behind the Pay Gap, spells out 25 differences in male and female work-life choices that account for most or all of the pay gap more accurately than do claims of discrimination against women.

Women should not demand getting hired, getting a raise, getting a certain salary, or getting a promotion because the inference is they deserve these benefits solely based on their gender.

No CEO cares about your gender. In fact, the CEO doesn’t even care if you are red, green, black, or have polka dots.  All CEO’s/managers care about is the bottom line.  Are YOU adding to the bottom line?  If not, then there is nothing there to talk about.


In my experience, when I was a new hire, I put my nose to the grindstone, and just shut up and did the work. Sooner or later, the boss would notice my efforts.  Usually, that point was about the six month mark.  Here’s how I knew I was “in”…the boss would invite me to an after-hours event, like a sport fishing trip or golf, or a sporting event.  From that moment on, I was on “equal” footing.  No crying, begging, or screaming about my gender was necessary.  Bosses look to see if you’re doing the work.  If you are adding to their bottom line, you will get the raise/promotion.

Since then, many of my male readers have shared the same experience. They told me when they were new, they also had to “earn their stripes”, meaning that nothing was just given to them or taken for granted, and no assessment was made based on gender or any other attribute that was unrelated to the bottom line.

Is the so-called gender gap solvable? Of course…but not using the methods of our predecessors or current women.  They are demanding equal pay, which is in essence telling the boss to “even the score based on gender”, which I find sadly humorous.  If you are hired, promoted, or given a raise based on gender, it is actually demeaning you because it means you are being rewarded for effort that you never did, similar to being rewarded due to height or eye color, not because of your work.  For me, it is far more satisfying to get merit because my work ethic stands out.

Women are not the same as men. In fact, women have many skills that are extremely valuable in the workplace.  One such example is female EMT’s (emergency medical technicians) who do a much better job of allaying a patient’s fears and calming them down while administering rescue procedures.  As a result, compared to male EMTs, a higher number of patients don’t die before reaching the hospital.

There are many similar examples in other fields. Instead of crying that women should be paid equally, we should embrace our differences and the contributions that each gender adds to the success of the company.


At the end of the day, the best companies find ways to work well together, and in so doing, the individual also gets personal satisfaction, and that includes women.

Linda is the author of, FOR MEN:   Mastering Women. The Real Truth About Women That Will Change Your Life Forever.

Book, For Women:  Hitched…in 90 Days or Less. Attract and Keep the Man of Your Dreams.

Listen to her Radio Show.  Click for program details and links:  The Men’s Advocate Show with Linda Gross, every Wednesday, at 3pm PST/6pm EST and listen on-demand:  Current Shows and All Archived Shows.

You don’t start to heal until you get that final divorce decree.

I received a letter from a reader who was separated for over ten years but didn’t get the divorce until a few months ago.

Here is my guarantee…all you have to do is NOT read this section and become one of those idiots I always talk about.  The one who thinks that just because you are physically separated from your ex, that that is good enough.  Sure, you didn’t give it much thought before, but you will see that you don’t really start to heal, until you get that final divorce decree.  If you don’t get the final now, when you do get the final, you will be kicked back to square one faster than you can say “let the ink dry”.

From the point I separated from my ex, it took another 18 months, not to mention racking up tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and court costs, to get divorced.  When things are contentious, it will drain your emotions, your bank account, and your soul.  Try to work out as much as you can before your court date.  Keep your eye on the end goal, which is when everything is finalized, then you can start your new life.  Fighting over the small stuff on principle just isn’t worth it in the long run.  Just cut your losses and move on.

In the state of California, there is a minimum wait period of six months after you file a divorce, to be granted a divorce.  If the divorce is completely uncontested, if there are no distribution of assets or debts, and no kids, you might be one of the lucky ones to have it go this smoothly.

The average divorce usually lasts about a year.  If it is really contentious, it can take up to five years.

Of course, you want to try everything in your power to make the marriage work before marching to divorce court.  That way, looking back on it, you will have no regrets.  Make a timeline for yourself and stick to it.  If issues cannot be resolved after xxx months (the length of time you allow depends on the seriousness of the deal breaker), it’s time to move on.

Thanks to being beaten down during my life by my mom, who repeatedly reinforced the ‘you’ll-never-amount-to-anything’ trip, I was pretty much rendered a doormat.  It was largely due to that negative training that I made poor choices in men and in life.  It is only too amazing that I arose from the ashes of all that to blossom into whom I am today.  I only became the true DT after my divorce decree was finalized.

Trust me.  You cannot think straight when you are in the middle of legal battles.  Your life is not your own.  There are too many emotional, financial, and custody issues that arise that you cannot foresee.  You do your best to get through it all.  Sure, some couples get along, but think about it, if you got along that well, you’d still be married.

To my separated readers out there, if you can’t get along on paper, if you can’t get along in court, you must seek resolution through mediation.  Going through the motions in court is not only extremely gut wrenching, but it’s financially draining as well.  Also, I KNOW how private most of you guys are.  Do you have any concept what its like to air your dirty laundry in a public court, where a dozen other couples who are waiting their turn will hear about your mess??

The mediator is often a retired judge who serves the same purpose as a judge.  You are still represented by your respective attorneys.  The petitioning parties, you and your ex, are taken out of the room.  I tried to get my ex to do mediation for months, to no avail.  It was after 3 appearances in front of the judge with no resolution on any of the issues that the judge ordered us to go to mediation.  When we went to mediation, matters got solved with lightning speed (same day).  We were forced to resolve issues that I never thought would get resolved.

I want to thank the countless readers who wrote me to acknowledge that even after years of separation, no healing can begin until the final divorce decree.  Too often, I hear from men who are separated for a mere few months and because they are lonely, bored, horny, or hook up because it was convenient, think that that is as good as divorced.  It’s not.  Nowhere near it.  They have no clue what is in store for them.  Why the mad rush?  Well, when a man divorces, he feels like a huge failure, so there is a jump to find a new relationship right away to validate that he is still a good guy.  Huge, huge mistake.  I think that men should not even begin to think of getting into another relationship until 6 months AFTER the divorce decree. Actually it’s better to wait up to 2 years.  Before that time, I consider him to be a Rebound Guy and part of the walking wounded.  Meaning, if you don’t have any ME time to think about what YOUR part in the failed marriage was and how YOU contributed to its demise, you are destined to repeat the same mistakes again.  You have to heal.  You have to grow, analyze, and learn from your mistakes.  To not do so is relationship suicide.

Another reason why a man will hop back into a relationship too fast is because he was married fa long time, over 10 years, and is looking for a “mother” – someone to cook for him, do his laundry, and clean his house.  He hasn’t had to do these chores in over 10 years and he isn’t about to start now.  To that I say, either learn how to do these things or get a maid.  The emotional or financial strain down the line just isn’t worth yielding to something just because it’s convenient.

So, here is the DT rule:

  1. After the FINAL divorce decree, wait until 6-24 months to get into a serious relationship again.
  2. Make sure you own up to what part YOU      played in the demise of the marriage.       You cannot heal without this step.  I don’t care how much of a witch she      was, it wasn’t all her fault.  It      takes two to tango.  Man up.

Also, there is a new legal maneuver that is called a ‘conditional divorce decree’, where you can legally be divorced but the financial and/or custody issues remain unsettled.  I CANNOT URGE YOU STRONGLY ENOUGH TO NOT DO THIS.  GET A FULL (FINAL) DIVORCE DECREE AT ALL COSTS.  Unless you need a decree to be free to marry someone else (which I also strongly advise against, being that it is so soon after your divorce), I cannot think of one single benefit of a conditional decree.  DO NOT DO THIS!!!!

Btw, you have no power after the fact.  If you choose to get a conditional decree, you will not negotiate the best possible outcome on the remaining issues.  I am not an attorney and you should seek legal counsel on this, but in my view, THERE IS NO REASON TO complete any decree other than a full divorce decree.  Emotionally speaking, if you get a conditional decree, the healing doesn’t start UNTIL you get the final decree.  That right alone is reason to avoid it.

My goal here is to climb into your heart and sit there until YOU decide that it’s the right thing to do.  I hope you hear me.  I hope that even if you don’t agree with my Divorce Decree or Rebound issue position, you will at least consider it.  I know what I’m talking about.  I have been there.