Regain Your Manhood.


Is she gaining the upper hand? What you can say to reclaim that YOU are the top dog in the relationship?  Also, things that make a man look weak.

Note:  The 4C’s: CONFIDENCE, Connect with Her, Caring, and Character, are the required characteristics that a man must have to win over any woman, for any reason (one night stand all the way to your forever girl, and everyone in between). Get a copy of my book:  Mastering Women.

Amazon cover. 12-16

  • A man of few words or being silent? Does work with other men, but doesn’t work with women. Instead. Acknowledge, 3rd C: “I see how you feel that way. Let me say this about that.” Either find a solution to the problem or validate how she is feeling.
  • If you can’t talk, say you can’t talk. Instead say: “I can’t discuss this right now. Can we pick up after I come home from work?” and then, keep your word and YOU bring it up. (Send yourself a text reminder.) 
  • Don’t just ‘hang out’. Instead: find ways to help, lift, solve, and teach. Why? It establishes your 1st C, CONFIDENCE.
  • Not being the disciplinarian to your kids. Never let your kids disrespect their mom. It benefits the kids by looking up to you and it benefits her by having her back. Again, CONFIDENCE factor is intact.
  • Letting others disrespect your woman in public. It means that YOU don’t respect her if you let this behavior continue. Never let this happen.
  • Road rage because he cut you off or she didn’t use her turn signal. Really? There really are more important things in life. If you find yourself constantly ready to blow someone’s head off on the road, it rarely is about the other driver. Do some self-examination. Find out what REALLY is bugging you. Most likely, it’s your boss or a difficult person in your life. Get that stuff handled! Having Road Rage is passive behavior. Being passive is for chicks. Take charge of what is weighing you down. It’s not some random driver that has you so hot.
  • Beer Belly. Have that 40 extra pounds around your middle? In addition to it not being a good look and it’s bad for your health, you want to look like you can step up if the situation calls for it. Strength = virility = sexy. Plus, how smart you will look when your clothes just hang well? Mmm, women notice. Women will swoon. Time to hit the gym.
  • I dunno. What do you want to eat? Being wishy-washy is NOT a good, manly look. Make a decision. Book the location. Take charge. You might be ready with a Plan B, just in case she already had Chinese for lunch. Other than that, you be in command. That is what women respect.

stressed man

  • Don’t depend on women for validation. Instead, unless stated otherwise, act as if you ALREADY HAVE the validation. This exudes CONFIDENCE. Waiting for validation means you are fearful that you won’t get sex. It really has nothing to do with the issue at hand. Focusing on the issue at hand will also avoid creating roadblocks to sex.
  • Stop being ANGRY. Being angry means you don’t have control over your emotions. Confident men figure things out. You research, you evaluate, and you execute…and you do so with purpose and by being a gentleman. You’re not 5 years old. What are you going to do next? Throw yourself on the floor and pout? Because that is what we think when you go to anger.
  • Exiting a relationship doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Many men let her end the relationship. They do this by cheating or having deplorable behavior so SHE will have to break up with you. This is clearly passive behavior. It means you can’t face hard issues. Learn to break up kindly, tell her why, and then get out. It is a skill you can use in personal relationships as well as in business. Anything less is beneath you.
  • Don’t keep all chick friends. Yes, women listen better. Yes, it is easier to be friends with women. That being said, men need men. Get your validation from other men. You may not want to hear what another man says, but it usually is good advice. Men will give it to you straight. Make it your business to always have at least one male friend you can really confide in.
  • Get dirty. Sure, you may like going to the latest foreign flick or to the opera. That being said, always remember to mix it up. For example, nothing says being a man like going into the wilderness and dealing with adversity or the unknown. Going on a camping trip to get in touch with your natural strength, independence, and manliness is just what the doctor ordered.

  • Quit acting like you’re a stud in bed. You’re not. This is one area where I DON’T recommend you act like you know more than you do. Read anything and everything you can on the subject. Interview current and past girlfriends. Interview random women. Men who get this subject handled even interview call girls for their take on technique. Women don’t chop off penises or poison their partner with men who are making her happy in bed. Don’t be that fool.
  • Don’t be a Nice Guy. A Nice Guy is a chump who can’t close the deal. When you are first dating a girl, focus on Attraction, not Affection. You have to present yourself that you DO want sex with her. You cannot voice this, as that is creepy, but your actions must state clearly that you are ready to consume her. You don’t have to act on the physical aspect just yet, but you do have to convey you want more to do with her than her brother.

  • Dancing. Many men ignore the power of dancing as they may not be good at it. My advice? Get good at it. It is a definite show of CONFIDENCE, control, and power. It absolutely translates into her wanting to have sex with you.
  • Wear a condom. Not wearing one means you don’t care about your future or your wallet. Don’t be stupid.
  • Go to the doctor and dentist regularly. Not doing so means you don’t care about life or what happens to you. Early detection, in many cases means the difference between life, the quality of life, or death. Quit being a baby and get this handled.
  • Quit listening to dream killers. They aren’t living your life. YOU are. Act as if you can and will succeed at your efforts and do everything possible to make that happen.
  • Stop being a deadbeat. Order a copy of your credit report. Get the line items cleaned up. If you don’t know how call the credit bureaus or even hire an attorney. A clean credit report gives you peace of mind and the best financing rates. No sense in throwing good money away. Take steps to get your credit over 700, then over 750, then over 800. You’ll finally sleep easier.

  • She holds the purse strings. Sure, it’s easy. She has a great job and is out-earning you. Most men would jump for joy with a situation like this…BUT, you lose RESPECT in her eyes. Instead: getting a degree or more training will often translate to more dollars. Also, that hobby of yours that you are good at needs a thorough evaluation. Maybe you’re on to something that will generate extra income or even lead to self-employment where you can better control your financial fate.

  • Hating your job is a form of complaining. If you can change the aspect that you don’t like, do it. If you can change departments or change to a different manager, do it. Otherwise, if the situation is hopeless, start job hunting. Life is too short to be miserable. What this means to her? You’re taking charge. CONFIDENCE. You’re a leader by making things happen.
  • Get financially sound. In most metropolitan cities, you know you need at least $75,000 to $100,000 a year just to live. This means you can pay all your bills, put money aside for emergencies, do a little investing, and have some money left over for the nice things in life, like fine dining and travel. Anything less means you don’t love yourself enough to be self-sufficient.

  • Have extra money. It’s not the money that women love, it is what the money represents = CONFIDENCE. It also means that YOU respect yourself enough to do something nice for yourself. I’m not saying to buy a car you can’t afford, as you should live below your means. What I am saying is there is nothing sexier than a guy who has a little extra money for the finer things in life. Maybe it’s buying that cigar or special bourbon, getting a massage, having a steam at the club, getting sporting event tickets, going to see your favorite band in concert, or getting to go to that ski resort you’ve had on your bucket list for a while.

Bottom line? It’s all about personal action.  Being passive is for chicks.  Taking charge results in getting more out of life, happiness, and yes, of course, more chicks.

 

Gym + YOU = Girls


Going to the gym, and more specifically, pumping iron, solves a lot of problems that benefit men in many ways. Best of all, it positively affects your interaction with women.

1. Testosterone. Testosterone is the hormone that makes you get up off your lazy ass and go get some.

a. Pumping iron definitely pumps more testosterone in your system. The higher your testosterone level the greater the urge to get the job done.

b. Another way to amp up testosterone levels is to eat red meat. The best type of meat is very lean beef. My favorite cut is Eye of Round, and when I want to indulge, Filet Mignon. Here are some nutritional facts on meat cuts: http://www.mensfitness.com/nutrition/what-to-eat/the-leanest-and-fattiest-cuts-of-steak

The worst type of meat source to eat is a hamburger, especially a fast-food hamburger.  If you are going to have a hamburger, make it yourself, use lean meat (10% fat or less), skip the bun and use a lettuce wrap, and avoid spices and sauces that are loaded with salt.  There are many no-salt seasonings on the shelf now that are great.  My favorite is Mrs. Dash.

2. Attitude. Inactivity leads to depression. Exercise dumps feel-good hormones, serotonin and endorphins, into your system. It’s our body’s natural high. If there is one thing you can change to affect your mood it’s to work out or engage in a sport.

If you feel good, you will be more apt to go over and talk to that girl.

3. Heart-Healthy. Men’s bodies were meant to be in movement.  In the Caveman days, we started out as hunters.  Men’s bodies were meant to run, lift, and execute precision and skill in getting their prey.  Today, we can go back to those same roots for maximum benefits. Running or any form of cardio is heart-healthy.  Not only is cardio good for your heart, it’s good for endurance (wink), and it’s good for vascularity.

In bodybuilding, vascularity is the condition of having many, highly visible, prominent superficial veins. The skin appears “thin” due to an extreme reduction of subcutaneous fat (usually below 10%) and low water retention (non-bloat), allowing for maximum muscle definition.

Healthy blood flow also makes your penis rock hard.  Drugs, alcohol, extra belly fat, and smoking all reduce healthy blood flow.  Abdominal fat blocks the testosterone that is normally available to you, which in turn affects sexual functioning.  Non-peak sexual performance is a huge wake-up call that your heart health suffering which could lead to clogged arteries, heart attack, stroke, or even death.

Go easy on the beer.  Limit your intake to a max of two beers a day, a couple of days a week.  Studies have shown that men who had three or more mixed drinks in less than a 2 hour period couldn’t get it up.  Over time, chronic use of alcohol can cause hormonal and brain chemical changes that stifle sexual functioning, not to mention all those extra calories head straight to your waistline.

Nothing is sexier than a guy who is hungry to have sex.  Chronic low-level stress like a difficult boss, looming deadlines, and too much debt can interfere with erections and sex drive.  Commit to spending 15 minutes a day to tackle and solve one problem to remove this source of anxiety.  After one stressor is removed, repeat with the next one until you have addressed them all.

4. Visual. Let’s face it.  Men are visual.  When you look in the mirror and you see results, you see some muscle definition, you see your waistline trimming down, you can’t help but feel good.  When YOU feel good, you are more apt to approach a woman.  When you LOOK good, women are drawn to you because they know you have put out some effort.  What woman doesn’t wanna fall for a guy whom she perceives as being able to protect her?  You big and strong brute, you!

Bottom line? When your mind (endorphins) and body (muscles) are in a good place, YOU are in a good place. That positive energy spills over to more easily approaching women and putting your best foot forward.

So, get up off that couch.  Put your running shoes on.  Go for a walk around the block.  Start with baby steps.  Do this for 30 minutes every day for a week.  Next week, hit the gym, 3x a week.  Start with 5 minutes of cardio, followed by 30 minutes of weights, followed by 10 minutes of cool down and stretching.  With the free days, do an activity you enjoy.  Pick-up basketball, body surfing, hiking, swimming, bicycling, or whatever.  Just get outta the house!

I guarantee in 6 weeks you will feel better about yourself. In 6 weeks, you will be talking to more girls.

It’s simple math. Gym + YOU = Girls. Do it.

Comments? Questions? info@themensadvocate.com

Check out DT’s latest book, 8-7-13.  Caveman-Formula-6 THE CAVEMAN FORMULA, The Modern Manual for Mastering Women: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B0594II/?tag=dt4m-20

MASTERING WOMEN book. New!


ebook cover, Tim.  Real Truth.  V3.5 re web sized.  11-5-14  Click here:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B0594II/?tag=dt4m-20

Ms. Gross is a Men’s Advocate who champions men being men. She empowers men to
tap into their innate skills to win over women. Due to the fallout from Women’s
Lib some 35 years ago, we have a social climate that it’s somehow no longer okay
to be a man. She sets out to right this wrong.

Ms. Gross interviewed over 20,000 men to research her book, MASTERING WOMEN. After a generation of men who were raised by single and/or overbearing moms, many men today are at a great loss with how to interact with women, much less win them over. In gathering the research for her book, she found that many men are resorting
to:

a. Being cocky or arrogant
b. Being players
c. Being that guy waiting on the sidelines afraid to make a move and/or
d. Flat out resignation.

Ms. Gross asserts that you can be CONFIDENT and still remain
a gentleman…and she shows you how. She tells men how to be more effective with
women and helps them avoid doing the things that hold them back. Her tips are
straight to the point, easy to do, irreverent, funny, and entertaining. Her
advice offers much more than just Dating Tips. She shows how to lead a
fulfilled, passionate, and happy life that covers so much of the human
experience.

By liberating men, it is her conviction that not only men,
but women and children, will be elevated in this Men’s Movement. She believes
society as a whole will come to a collective understanding and stop all the game
playing that is so prevalent today.

Ms. Gross wrote this book out of curiosity and personal necessity. After a long marriage and re-entering the dating scene, she found that so many men had lost their way and were so homogenized (= womanized). She set out to find why this occurred and vowed to right this wrong.

Ms. Gross asserts that if you do the following simple 4 steps, you can win over any woman…either for a one-night stand or to win the woman of your dreams. The research leading to the 4 steps comes from how we operated as a species 10,000 years ago. Unlike popular belief, Ms. Gross asserts that not much has changed since Caveman days with regard to sex and mating as a lot of what we do is biologically and hormonally hard-wired. Ms. Gross takes these very complex processes and delivers them to you in a way that you can do TODAY. The result? You get the bottom line on how to get it done for real! No tricks, no gimmicks, no lying, no deceiving…you’re getting the real deal FROM A WOMAN. You will drop your fears and confusion about women and step into your Confidence and Power with the secrets of mating that Ms. Gross reveals.

——

LINDA GROSS, who goes by the penname ‘DT’, has a degree in Psychology
from UCLA, has been a co-host and guest on dozens of radio shows, had a weekly
cable TV show, was a top 10 blogger for years writing the popular column, Dating
Tips for Men, offers one-on-one consulting as well as seminars.

Sometimes, it’s ok to be a Dick.


Sometimes, it’s ok to be a Dick.  Not only is it ok, it’s required.  This skill goes right in the face of how women are raised…to be people pleasers.  Most men have this skill naturally…women don’t, they certainly don’t.  You have to teach her that by not doing it, she is making the other person more important than she.

I have stepped up to be a witness and committee chair on a very contentious lawsuit.  It takes up a considerable amount of my time, without pay, and I’m glad to do it because I believe justice needs to be served.  That being said, my charity has its limits.  Usually, I can plan my day around an event or participation, and I’m fine.  Such was not the case last night.

I get a text, after 6pm, and he was lucky to even get me at this hour as I was working on my book deadline.  The text came not from the main attorney, but from the newbie attorney that they were revising my Declaration from earlier in the year.  As it was, this was absolutely not the right time to ask me to review and participate in this document.  The reason was I had a deadline to get the final text of my book out to be published and had but hours to get everything done.  As it was, I was very crunched for time, this added document would make certain I could be late on my own deadline.

I opened his document, it was 22 pages long and required my complete focus and concentration as it was a very important instrument for the court.  I went through and responded up to page 5.  I stopped at that point as it was clear that I could not continue at a detriment to myself and very possibly missing my own deadline.  The attorney told me his document needed to be filed tonight by midnight and he would work around my schedule to get this done.  I told him to go through the whole thing would take about 1-2 hours.  I said had this been 2pm, I could have squeezed him in, but at this hour couple with my own deadline, I could not accommodate him.  I asked why he hadn’t come to me earlier in the day.  He said the document wasn’t finished until the moment he texted me.

Of course he had to lay it on thick to say the importance of this document, if not met, the attorneys would lose the ability to file this particular motion for the rest of the trial, and it’s a crucial document to help their case.  As he is talking, I’m thinking, “Whoa…why is this made my fault that I can’t participate?”  It’s not my fault that I wasn’t given ample time to review it.  I thought why didn’t he give me a head’s up when the deadline was established?  I said (not really knowing, but an educated guess), “Bob, this deadline was created three weeks ago.”  Dead silence.  There was so much silence that I thought the line went dead.  At that moment, he knew I was right.  I said “Look, I appreciate you’re in a very delicate position.  This is not your fault, either.  You’re just the messenger, but the lead attorney is wrong and he is making you and me pay for it.”  He agreed.

At that point, I said “Lemme think about it.  I will call you back in 5 minutes.”

Dads…teach your daughters that it is perfectly OK to take a break when evaluating such a hard decision.  Just because the other person is forcing you to be on their timetable doesn’t mean you have to comply.

So, now I had to evaluate all the issues on the table.

  • Would I stop what I’m doing (my book) to help him out?  Probably yes.  I’m a girl.  I probably still would have made the other person more important than me…even at my peril.
  • I would be in a real jam on my deadline.  Even though my deadline was a bit longer than midnight, I really didn’t wanna work that late into the night on something this important (my book).
  • I had already helped the lead attorney several months ago on a similar document, late into Sunday night when I was driving home from a trip.  I wasn’t at my desk, so I had to “store” the 22 pages in my head as he read the document to me.  I had to really focus as the issues were pretty complicated.  It’s a miracle I even made it home in one piece as I really was not focusing on driving at all.  I was tired and exhausted from the trip.  I was allowing him to put my safety in jeopardy (by distracting me).  He had already gotten my “get out of jail free” card before.
  • Do I not participate because the lead attorney is wrong?  No.  I’m not like that.

I called Bob back with my decision.  I put all the above bullet points aside when giving my decision.  I am a just person and I base my answer on what is fair.  Telling me that the lead attorney didn’t contact me until now because the document wasn’t ready is flimsy.

Here is what I said “The real issue is the lead attorney didn’t value my signature (on the document tonight).  If HE didn’t think my signature was all that important, then why should I put importance on it?”

The world just stopped for a moment.  I felt like the biggest dick ever.  Dads, you gotta tell your daughters that sometimes, it’s perfectly ok to be a dick.  Heck, sometimes, it’s required.

When I write the women’s book, it is for reasons like this that women don’t get equal pay for “equal” work.  Women don’t take a stand…as they are too consumed with people pleasing.  That doesn’t work well in business.  The women of Women’s Lib got it all wrong.  You can’t demand equal pay just because of your gender (or race, or ethnicity, or sexual orientation…or anything else).  You have to command respect in the workplace.  That’s what gets you the extra bucks.

I then told Bob “If my signature (input) were that important, he would have called 4 days ago to say, “We are filing a Motion, it’s coming your way, and here’s why it’s so important.”  That would have taken 10 seconds.  Instead, his lack of action inferred that this document isn’t that big of a deal.

Bob replied, “I understand and I respect your position” and hung up the phone.  There was nothing more to say.

Aside from him, I learned a lot about myself on this conversation, too…I matter.

I felt powerful, confident, respected…and yet, fair.  It doesn’t get any better than that.

——

If you like my blog, my book comes out on Monday, 12/17/12.  www.amazon.com/author/dt4m  You don’t have to have a reading device to read it.  If you don’t like to read, certain reading device models have a built-in ‘Text to Speech’ feature, listen in the car or at the gym.

Age 25 and the Male Brain.


Don’t get married until you’re 25 years old.

Why? Because your brain is not fully developed until that age.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a6/NIA_human_brain_drawing.jpg/200px-NIA_human_brain_drawing.jpg

Why do you think that they send men off to war when they are 19?  Because you don’t know any better about war and dying, you are gullible, and the armed services can still mold your brain into following orders.  So, just like being a young soldier, you shouldn’t marry young for the same reason.  You’re not playing with a full deck.  Okay, I know that may sound mean, but the facts support me here.

Animal drives are based on biology, chemicals (hormones), instinct, synaptic firings (electrical, meaning nerve reactions), and reflex (autonomic, otherwise called your involuntary nervous system).

Human drives are related to your developed cognitive abilities.  These go beyond reactionary measures and speak to how the person utilizes executive brain abilities.  These executive abilities include using:

  • Insight
  • Anticipation
  • Intent, not Reactionary
  • Problem solving
  • Decision making
  • Deduction
  • Logic
  • Reasoning
  • Sequencing
  • Delayed gratification
  • Ability to delay a reaction
  • Compartmentalization (the ability to defer an action until later)
  • Analysis (the ability to figure out an outcome based on what you currently know, what is known about past occurrences, and the ability to predict a future outcome (an educated guess).

At age 25, your brain is matured and has full cognitive ability.  Whether you choose to use that ability, that’s another story but at least you have it upstairs.

https://i2.wp.com/blog.eligibleinc.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/caveman_and_woman1.jpg

Sure, young love is exciting.  It’s entirely fun to be free-spirited.  That being said, marriage is an undertaking that presumes maturity for it to work long-term.  Yes, there are exceptions to the rule and some people mature faster than others.  For the rest of you, it is wise to let your brain mature fully to better your odds of a lasting marriage.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, if you wait until after the age of 25 to get married, your chances of staying married more than double!  The old “50 percent of marriages end in divorce” statistic is literally cut in half (to 25%) if you just wait a while longer to take the plunge.

https://i2.wp.com/www.1weddingday.com/wedding-day-rings-gold-wedding-ring.jpg

If you choose to disregard this notice, then please pay close attention to the other sections in my ‘Marrying Men’ Chapter of my book.

Pre-Order my upcoming book, available Mid-December, 2012. See offers for YOU, my Special readers, here:  Autographed copy, Bonus book, and enter a Contest for prize.

http://www.dt4m.com/pre-order-book/

3 months to upgrade to gf status


I know some guys seem to fall in love very quickly and fall hard, but I am here to tell you to resist the urge to do so.

The reason why this happens is because men have a very short list (probably TOO short) of qualities they seek in a woman – especially compared to the endless list of qualities that women have.

Basically, men need to have a woman look good and not be psychotic. If so, men are pretty much good to go. Also, men are way more easy-going than women – at least in the first few months of dating. This is the period of time when men will overlook the most obvious personality flaws as they think they already found “the woman of their dreams”. At this point in the “relationship”, they don’t let anything bother them with their partner and are expert at letting go of the things that do bother them. In the early stages of dating, men just want to have fun, and aren’t thinking about decisions that will affect them over the long-term.

I’m not sure this is a healthy stance to take. I also don’t think the position that women take is all that wonderful either. I think both genders need to come more toward the middle. Women need to lighten up on their incessant demands on men and men need to become more discerning.

In general, men are very good judges of character, especially compared to women. Women will frequently go through years and years of choosing one rotten man after another, thinking that “he’s the one”. Most women choose a man because of how he makes her feel emotionally. The “Bad Boys” are often the ones who get picked because they make her feel some sort of emotion, even though it may be a “bad” emotion. The men who have many good qualities are often overlooked because she doesn’t “feel anything”. She is quick to label him “boring”, and moves on. It is not until she is in her thirties that she learns to assess a man based on his positive qualities rather than “how he makes her feel”.

Men are habitually good judges of character because the biological process of selecting a mate for the continuance of the species falls on men’s shoulders. Since the caveman dragged the first, hot cave-chick back to his den, men have had to shoulder the burden of finding an appropriate mate. Usually, a guy wants to upgrade his status so his offspring will be better off, meaning better looking, more physically able/fit, and better at continuing/excelling in life than he. Of course, what guy doesn’t just want to have fun and have sex with the next available chick? That being said, even at this casual, no-strings level, in the back of his mind, he is always thinking about the possibility that she might get pregnant. Because of that, even for a one-night stand, he will use every effort to have sex with a woman who is at a higher level than he…and at the very least, she has to be on the same level with him.

As such, he is not easily going to have sex (unless trashed or drugged himself) with someone most of the male population says is unfit: butt-ugly, (more than 35 pounds overweight), has a straight, boy-figure, like many female athletes, i.e. no waist, mentally deranged, physically handicapped or impaired, or frequently uses drugs.

       not bad                                      ideal                                not acceptable

Women have no such biological pull. They couldn’t care less what happens to the gene pool in the next generation. It is for that reason that women often go through years, if not decades, of making really stupid mate choices before they get a clue…if they ever do.

So, why am I telling you to wait? Because I want you to be discerning, I want you to be choosy, and most of all, because you need to see if she is CONSISTENT and has CHARACTER. I also want you to get really clear on your “must have” list. What are the deal makers? What are the deal breakers? Are you gonna waffle on them? I realize this takes introspection and some measure of effort, but hey, it’s your life and you have way more at stake than a woman does. Most laws are written in favor of women to protect the kids, and I guess that is fair in theory, but that certainly doesn’t mean you have to rush right into anything. Take your time and evaluate.

Things happen for a reason and there are certain relationship milestones that should never be missed or skipped. Don’t treat this like a TiVO machine. You can’t fast forward through the parts you don’t like. You must relish every minute you have because this minute is all you have. Once it’s gone, you will never get this opportunity again. You have to see her in a variety of different circumstances to really make a complete evaluation of her.

You may think she’s your dream girl, but what if you can’t stand her family? What if her family can’t stand you? What if her travel schedule for her job is way more than you ever anticipated now that “her season” has kicked into gear? What if you learn she cannot have kids and you want to have an armload of kids?

So…make a list (No, I’m not kidding). When a man meets a woman online, he is pressed to consider his deal makers/breakers. If she makes the cut, he will ask her out. Those of you who meet the girl in person, I am asking you to make a similar effort and not just hop in because it feels good (OR you need to get laid). However you meet the girl, I am telling you to slow down and take at least 3 months before you throw caution to the wind and latch on as a bf. Even if you don’t believe me or understand what I’m saying this minute, just wait out these first three months. You can thank me later.

You don’t start to heal until you get that final divorce decree.


I received a letter from a reader who was separated for over ten years but didn’t get the divorce until a few months ago.

Here is my guarantee…all you have to do is NOT read this section and become one of those idiots I always talk about.  The one who thinks that just because you are physically separated from your ex, that that is good enough.  Sure, you didn’t give it much thought before, but you will see that you don’t really start to heal, until you get that final divorce decree.  If you don’t get the final now, when you do get the final, you will be kicked back to square one faster than you can say “let the ink dry”.

From the point I separated from my ex, it took another 18 months, not to mention racking up tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and court costs, to get divorced.  When things are contentious, it will drain your emotions, your bank account, and your soul.  Try to work out as much as you can before your court date.  Keep your eye on the end goal, which is when everything is finalized, then you can start your new life.  Fighting over the small stuff on principle just isn’t worth it in the long run.  Just cut your losses and move on.

In the state of California, there is a minimum wait period of six months after you file a divorce, to be granted a divorce.  If the divorce is completely uncontested, if there are no distribution of assets or debts, and no kids, you might be one of the lucky ones to have it go this smoothly.

The average divorce usually lasts about a year.  If it is really contentious, it can take up to five years.

Of course, you want to try everything in your power to make the marriage work before marching to divorce court.  That way, looking back on it, you will have no regrets.  Make a timeline for yourself and stick to it.  If issues cannot be resolved after xxx months (the length of time you allow depends on the seriousness of the deal breaker), it’s time to move on.

Thanks to being beaten down during my life by my mom, who repeatedly reinforced the ‘you’ll-never-amount-to-anything’ trip, I was pretty much rendered a doormat.  It was largely due to that negative training that I made poor choices in men and in life.  It is only too amazing that I arose from the ashes of all that to blossom into whom I am today.  I only became the true DT after my divorce decree was finalized.

Trust me.  You cannot think straight when you are in the middle of legal battles.  Your life is not your own.  There are too many emotional, financial, and custody issues that arise that you cannot foresee.  You do your best to get through it all.  Sure, some couples get along, but think about it, if you got along that well, you’d still be married.

To my separated readers out there, if you can’t get along on paper, if you can’t get along in court, you must seek resolution through mediation.  Going through the motions in court is not only extremely gut wrenching, but it’s financially draining as well.  Also, I KNOW how private most of you guys are.  Do you have any concept what its like to air your dirty laundry in a public court, where a dozen other couples who are waiting their turn will hear about your mess??

The mediator is often a retired judge who serves the same purpose as a judge.  You are still represented by your respective attorneys.  The petitioning parties, you and your ex, are taken out of the room.  I tried to get my ex to do mediation for months, to no avail.  It was after 3 appearances in front of the judge with no resolution on any of the issues that the judge ordered us to go to mediation.  When we went to mediation, matters got solved with lightning speed (same day).  We were forced to resolve issues that I never thought would get resolved.

I want to thank the countless readers who wrote me to acknowledge that even after years of separation, no healing can begin until the final divorce decree.  Too often, I hear from men who are separated for a mere few months and because they are lonely, bored, horny, or hook up because it was convenient, think that that is as good as divorced.  It’s not.  Nowhere near it.  They have no clue what is in store for them.  Why the mad rush?  Well, when a man divorces, he feels like a huge failure, so there is a jump to find a new relationship right away to validate that he is still a good guy.  Huge, huge mistake.  I think that men should not even begin to think of getting into another relationship until 6 months AFTER the divorce decree. Actually it’s better to wait up to 2 years.  Before that time, I consider him to be a Rebound Guy and part of the walking wounded.  Meaning, if you don’t have any ME time to think about what YOUR part in the failed marriage was and how YOU contributed to its demise, you are destined to repeat the same mistakes again.  You have to heal.  You have to grow, analyze, and learn from your mistakes.  To not do so is relationship suicide.

Another reason why a man will hop back into a relationship too fast is because he was married fa long time, over 10 years, and is looking for a “mother” – someone to cook for him, do his laundry, and clean his house.  He hasn’t had to do these chores in over 10 years and he isn’t about to start now.  To that I say, either learn how to do these things or get a maid.  The emotional or financial strain down the line just isn’t worth yielding to something just because it’s convenient.

So, here is the DT rule:

  1. After the FINAL divorce decree, wait until 6-24 months to get into a serious relationship again.
  2. Make sure you own up to what part YOU      played in the demise of the marriage.       You cannot heal without this step.  I don’t care how much of a witch she      was, it wasn’t all her fault.  It      takes two to tango.  Man up.

Also, there is a new legal maneuver that is called a ‘conditional divorce decree’, where you can legally be divorced but the financial and/or custody issues remain unsettled.  I CANNOT URGE YOU STRONGLY ENOUGH TO NOT DO THIS.  GET A FULL (FINAL) DIVORCE DECREE AT ALL COSTS.  Unless you need a decree to be free to marry someone else (which I also strongly advise against, being that it is so soon after your divorce), I cannot think of one single benefit of a conditional decree.  DO NOT DO THIS!!!!

Btw, you have no power after the fact.  If you choose to get a conditional decree, you will not negotiate the best possible outcome on the remaining issues.  I am not an attorney and you should seek legal counsel on this, but in my view, THERE IS NO REASON TO complete any decree other than a full divorce decree.  Emotionally speaking, if you get a conditional decree, the healing doesn’t start UNTIL you get the final decree.  That right alone is reason to avoid it.

My goal here is to climb into your heart and sit there until YOU decide that it’s the right thing to do.  I hope you hear me.  I hope that even if you don’t agree with my Divorce Decree or Rebound issue position, you will at least consider it.  I know what I’m talking about.  I have been there.

Don’t Walk Her Shoe-Dog.


Call it a rat, call it a girl-dog, call it a yapper, call it what you like.  I happen to call it a shoe-dog.  Why?  Because no dog should be as small as your shoe.

In the animal world, like dogs for example, using peeing to mark their “territory”.  Humans also mark their “territory”.  More notably, it’s used to mark their mate.

It’s not used as much by men marking their women (as men are more inclined to be free spirits and not be tied down), but when they do, men use the following tactics to accomplish that end:

a.     Confidence.  It is their best and most effective trait.  They can stare down another man, without words, to convey “don’t even think about f’ing with me” (over my woman).

b.    Real Estate.  It’s what I call taking up as much real estate as you can.  They outstretch their arms when seated at a booth with their woman…almost to create an “umbrella” around her.    They spread their knees as far apart as they are able.  Heck, depending on the situation, while spreading his legs, if he can let you know his package also means business, he will show that, too.

Man-against-man, it’s your physical presence that will intimidate another man.  Taking up a bigger amount of real estate makes the man appear stronger, manlier, and to his woman, it makes him appear protective, which is what women really like (1st C, Protect and Provide, from my upcoming book).

c.     Getting up in his grill.  Unlike women, men are more about the physical and less about words.  If he needs to stand up, to show you how tall he is, he will.  If he needs to be in your inner space, literally right in your face, he will, as he knows that men prefer to keep a physical distance away from each other.

d.    Getting his inner-Caveman on.  If he needs to grunt, grumble, groan, snort, spit, wipe, flick, cough, click, to get his point across…he will.  He will use whatever sound he can convey to tell you to f off, he will.

Aw, now let’s get to the little lady.  Women use territorial behavior to mark their men quite frequently.  There are two facts that you need to know.

1.     Their tactics are very subtle.

i.              When called out, they will make 100 excuses as to “It’s not what it appears” as they don’t want to appear “controlling”.

ii.             The tactics are so widely used by women, they will make you think that it’s just normal and there is nothing wrong with it.

(The reality is that it is common, but I find there IS something wrong with it…namely, her insecurity.)

iii.            And lastly, they really don’t know what they are doing or think that it has any meaning whatsoever.  They are clueless.

2.     Women are insecure.  While most women would like to remain monogamous, they know that most men don’t.  For that, they have to constantly “test” you to see if you are still worthy of their attention.

Here are the 3 tactics that women use to territorially “mark” their men:

I.      Tampons.  “On your way home, would you stop by the store and buy me some tampons?”  “What’s the big deal?  You’re going anyway/it’s on your way home?”

Your answer, in your mind, should be “hell no”.  It’s permissible to drive her to the store and she can shop for them herself.

·         What does this action mean?  She is announcing to the whole store:  “This is my man.  Back off.”

II.             Purse.  “Will you hold my purse while I go to the rest room/try on room?”

Again, that’s a “no”.  What would she do if you weren’t there, i.e. with her girlfriends?  Girl A NEVER gives her purse to Girl B.  And I mean NEVER.  If she has to lock it in the trunk or lock her knees while she pees, then, so be it.  That’s what she’d do if you weren’t there.

·         What does this action mean?  She is announcing to the whole restaurant/clothing store: “This is my man.  Back off.”

III.    Shoe-dog.  Ah, this one is a new entry.  With the advantage of genetic engineering, they have bred small dogs with small dogs to populate a small-dog gene pool to sell to the ladies.  Although it has always been said that “a dog is a Man’s best friend”, most men prefer man-sized dogs.  No guy in their right mind would buy one of these “shoe-dogs”.  Much like girls prefer to eat a salad or drink low-calorie beer, women prefer small dogs.  They are easier to take care of.

Add to this, I don’t think the dogs are happy, either.  All this genetic altering, I think makes the dog pissed off, often yappy, and annoying, not to mention, the dog is completely inferior (smaller) to the other dogs on the street.  What dog like that wouldn’t be barky?

I also think that until they pop out a kid, she delights in pampering this dog as if it’s her future baby.  She likes primping and shopping for the shoe-dog and dressing it up in play clothes…or even doll clothes.

“Honey, will you take Fluffy for a walk?”  First off, she is saying this because she is lazy and doesn’t want to do it herself.  Secondly, picking up dog poop is beneath her…but she apparently doesn’t think
it’s beneath you
Most importantly, is the following:

·         What does this action mean?  She is announcing to the whole street/neighborhood: “This is my man.  Back off.”

What’s even more bizarre is that since it’s obvious it’s her dog, I practically never see her trading duties.  Don’t you think it would make sense if she at least took her own dog out of the house 50% of the time?  What I see is these “Fluffy-ized” men taking her dog out 100% of the time.  That’s just not right.  If she just got out of surgery or broke her leg, ok, but 100% of the time, in my book, is manipulation.

 

So, there you have it.  You don’t have to call her out on her behavior as its likely gonna get you nowhere and will probably just start a fight.  That being said, don’t cave into this “women behaving badly” behavior.  You’re forewarned.

How 90 days affects a Man.


From my radio appearance on Reality Radio (click)my listener below hears me talk about the following subject…

 

Ce Katz The 90-day rule applied for me. No sex until 90 days.  It builds a better foundation and strength towards a committed relationship. And yes, doors SHOULD BE OPENED! Chivalry is dead!  Big dislike!

—-

DT:  The 90-day rule?  Yes.  A very good plan.  Did you know that 90 days has significance in a man’s body

Back in the day (before the advent of the birth control pill in the 70’s), our dads and grandpas “courted” their women. 

If a woman hops into the sack too soon, it dumps a hormone, Oxytocin, that bonds this woman to this man (even IF he is no good for her).  We waste a lot of time and emotion on a guy who may not deserve that attention, not to mention it lowers our self-esteem to be with such a guy. 

Under usual circumstances, men’s bodies dump testosterone in their system.  Testosterone is the anti-hormone of Oxytocin.  Yikes!  Who invented that!  Anyway, when a man delays sex for 90 days, like in our dad’s day, the Oxytocin level, the bonding hormone, is finally at a saturation point that it outweighs the cancelling affect that Testosterone has.  In plain terms, it means that HIS Oxytocin level is at a significant level for him to bond to her.

How special is that?  I love Mother Nature.  It’s just so exciting to me to marvel how the human body works.

The trick today is that young girls don’t know how to keep a guy interested without resorting to sex.  It is a challenge, to be sure.  Sexual hormones are super strong for a reason…nature wants you to recreate!

One of my readers said she purposefully chooses dates that are long distance (she’s a church woman) because she hasn’t been able to keep her legs closed and the distance gives her a safety net to get to know him without the sex.  To that I say “horseshit”.  Practically every guy is gonna want in (and if he doesn’t, you probably will think he’s gay or not manly enough).  It’s not his fault he wants sex.  He is biologically wired to act that way.  Women are the gatekeepers.    Always have been, always will be.

If you can’t figure out how to be a woman without sex, that’s your own damn fault.  You deserve the heartaches that come your way until you figure this out.  There are 50-year old women who still haven’t ‘got’ it.  It’s your choice.  You can learn to be an alluring female…or not.

  • They used to tell girls to not shave their legs as any (white) girl would be embarrassed to have sex with stubbly legs or to wear grandma (non-sexy) underwear or ones that have a hole in it (again, the big time embarrassment factor deters sex).
  • Aside from that, after the first three dates (almost any girl can last 3 dates), keep the dates short, like an hour or less (to avoid temptation).
  • Schedule dates in the daytime (less risky when you’re awake and sober).
  • Schedule an activity.  It’s easier to keep your mind off sex if the date is NOT spontaneous and random.  No planning leads to our animal hormones kick in luring you to sex.
  • Schedule group dates, safety in numbers.
  • A giant plus for a woman is to Be Interesting even without sex.  That is the best catnip to get a man to really fall in love with you.  To do this means you have to start reading, being active, and having interests.  No…shopping or watching Jerry Springer doesn’t count.  When he actually wants to hang around you, you’re on the right track.He will respect that you are delaying sex.  Another bonus is that it tells him that you can delay gratification.  If you can do that with him, he will conclude that you will put off other men who approach you thereby keeping you faithful to him.  Your fidelity is super-important to a guy.
  • And for goodness sake, DON’T GO TO HIS APARTMENT until you Know you wanna have sex. 

Bottom line?  He wants to know what kind of person you are.  The woman sets the tone.  If you’re a long-haul girl, he will step up to the plate and be that long-haul guy.  That’s how it works.

If he cannot be a long-haul guy this minute due to school, career, or a life event, even the skankiest player will be a gentleman to say he can no longer date you as he is not in that mode right now.  He will bow out of your life and find more suitable prey.

The weak ones let hormones control and overtake her…often with unsatisfactory results.   The smart woman wins.  And, there’s nothing sexier than a confident woman.  Have a  day.